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GeraldIx\e a. Faro 



PLAYS 
AND MONOLOGUES 



BY 

GERALDINE A. FARO 



CHICAGO 
A. FLANAGAN COMPANY 



<^'b 






LIBRARY of CONGRESS 
Two Copies Received 

DEC 24 1906 

y. C»pyrl«tit Entry , 

CLASS A XXc., No. 

COPY B. 



Copyright 1906 

BY 

A. FLANAGAN COMPANY 



THIS LITTLE VOLUME IS DEDICATED TO MT 
BEST FRIEND, MY MOTEEE 



CONTENTS 



PAGE. 

Cupid's Hour. Play 7 

A Deal in Wheat. Play 30 

The Governess. Play 44 

The Burglar. Monologue 54 

In a Latin Quarter. Monologue 59 

The Coquette. Monologue 63 

In the Dentist's Chair. Monologue 67 

Her First Visit to the Country. Monologue 71 

The Last Note. Play = 76 

A Bargain Episode. Monologue 87 



"CUPID'S HOUR." 

A PLAY IN ONE ACT. 
Time: The Present. 

Scene: Mrs. Tyrrell's Library. Two doors, one to hall, an- 
other to dining room. "Window. Screen. Books. Solid Furni- 
ture. Table. Sofa. Piano. 

Place: England. 

PERSONS IN THE PLAY. 

The Honorable Mrs. Tyrrell. 

Lady Becky (her daughter). 

Wilbur Johnston (a young American neighbor.) 

Lord Reginald Philips. 

Marie (a servant). 

Discovered: The Honorable Mrs. Tyrrell, seated on 
sofa embroidering fancy work. Marie arranging books. 
A few seconds elapses before they speak. 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Marie, has Lady Becky returned from 
school ^ 

7 



5:> PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Marie : No, madam. 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Not returned? Impossible! {To Marie.) 
Immediately upon her return send her to me. 

Marie: Here she is, madam. {Becky enters dancing; 
upon seeing Mrs. Tyrrell stops abruptly and curtseys.) 

Mrs. Tyrrell {severely) : Becky, do you know that you 
are late? Two minutes after the usual time? 

Lady Becky {timidly) : Yes, ma'am — I ^ 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Becky! 

Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Tyrrell : And will you never realize that I am 
most punctilious about the time you spend on the way 
from school? 

Lady Becky: No, ma'am — I mean yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Tyrrell : Becky, have you forgotten your man- 
ners ? 

Lady Becky: No, ma'am — yes, ma'am {curtseys very 
clumsily). 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Oh, you are so awkward, so very awk- 
ward. Will it always be necessary for me to enumerate 
your insufficiencies? 

Lady Becky : No, ma'am. 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Other mothers can be proud of their 



** CUPID'S HOUR" g 

children while I — oh, dear (sighs); oh, dear! (Begins 
to sew; Marie is still arranging book ease. Becky goes up 
stage and puts her arms around Marie, giznng her a hard 
squeeze. Mrs. Tyrrell turns around just as she is kiss- 
ing her.) (Horrified.) Becky! Oh, that a Tyrrell should 
live to see one of her descendants display such vulgar 
feelings toward a housemaid. (Turns to Becky severely.) 
Young lady — hereafter if you have any superfluous af- 
fection to bestow your mother will receive it. Do not 
again misdirect your emotion. 

Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am — no, ma am. (Pulls at her 
skirt nervously.) 

Mrs. Tyrrell : Now, what are you doing. In my nu- 
merous lessons of propriety have you not gained a clear 
conception of what is expected of a young lady of your 
position. I see it will be necessary in the future to com- 
press my instruction into fewer words, concise as I have 
been. 

Lady Becky (timidly) : Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Tyrrell : Now, take off your hat and you may 
practice for a short time, ten minutes. Your musical ed- 
ucation has been slighted the past year. I shall leave you 
alone as I have some duties which require my attention. 
Pay the strictest attention to your fingering (exit). 

Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am. (Curtseys loiv. Takes off 



10 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

her hat, slowly 7i'alks to piano, playing a fezv bars very 
precisely, arranging fingers before playing. Listening 
for a moment at the door she runs to zvindoiv waving 
handkerchief at some one opposite. Enter Mrs. Tyrrell.) 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Becky! To whom were you waving? 
Answer! {Pause.) To whom were you waving? 

Lady Becky: To Wilbur Johnston {nervously). 

Mrs. Tyrrell: To Wilbur Johnston! Horrible! Most 
horrible ! Do you admit that after all my teachings you 
have actually been guilty of such poor form as to culti- 
vate an acquaintance of such low birth as our neighbors, 
the Johnstons, and you the daughter of a Tyrrell ? 

Lady Becky {meekly) : His father is the cousin of an 
Earl, twice removed 

Mrs. Tyrrell: And do you take his part, a man who 
made his money in sugar? 

Lady Becky: He can't help that. Wilbur has said 
that 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Go to your room instantly. 

Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Tyrrell : No, you remain. I received a letter from 
Lord Philips this morning asking your hand in mar- 
riage. 

Lady Becky: But I 



*' CUPID'S HOUK'» II 

Mrs. Tyrrell : Becky ! 

Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am (curtseys), 

Mrs. Tyrrell : For some time it has been my desire to 
combine the two estates and your marriage with him 
would be considered a most brilliant match. Lord Phil- 
ips will call this afternoon and remember that you are 
to assume your prettiest manners. Resume your prac- 
ticing and banish every other idea from your mind 
(exit). (Lady Becky curtseys, then returns to piano 
and repeats business of fingering. After a feiu moments 
she zvhccls about on stool and finally, after cautiously 
peering through door runs to zcindow and iMstles softly. 
Then, after short pause, beckons. Wilbur, outside, calls, 
''Hello r) 

Lady Becky : Come on over. 

Wilbur (outside) : Anybody there? 

Lady Becky: No, I am all alone. Come on over. 

Wilbur: No — I'm afraid! Besides, Marie won't let 
me in! 

Lady Becky (coaxing) : Oh, come on — come through 
the window ; it isn't very high. 

Wilbur: All right! 

Lady Becky (screams) : Oh, don't fall. 

Wilbur (appears astride zvindoiv sill) : Oh, don't 



J 2 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

scream, Becky, somebody might hear. {Jumps into room. 
Mrs. Tyrrell is heard off stage calling, ''Becky!") 

Lady Becky (frightened, runs to door) : Yes, ma'am! 
(To Wilbur) Get behind the screen. (Wilbur knocks 
over a chair in attempt to reach screen and clumsily hides. 
Enter Mrs. Tyrrell in street dress.) 

Mrs. Tyrrell : I did not hear you practicing ; why did 
you scream? 

Lady Becky (holding finger) : Hurt my finger. 

Mrs. Tyrrell : Oh, when will you learn to conduct your- 
self as other children do ? ( Wilbur rattles screen. Mrs. 
Tyrrell turns quickly. Becky screams to attract Mrs. 
Tyrrell's attention.) 

Mrs. Tyrrell (startled) : Why, Becky, what on earth 
is the matter? 

Lady Becky: Oh, my finger— oh— oh— oh ! 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Let me see it (looking at finger). I see 
nothing— not even the slightest bruise. 

Lady Becky (looking tozvards screen) : Oh, you can't 
see it. It's there— oh — oh— (cries). 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Well, it might be something serious; 
come with me and we will see a physician. 

Lady Becky (quickly): Oh, it is all right now. it 
doesn't hurt a bit. 



*' CUPID'S HOUR" 13 

Mrs. Tyrrell : Well, that is strange, very strange. 
(IVarningly) Practice faithfully. Lord Philips may call, 
and if he comes before my return, remember your man- 
ners, Becky, your manners. (Exit. Becky curtseys, then 
cautiously advances tozvards screen.) 

Wilbur : My, that was a close shave ! 

Lady Becky: Why did you make that dreadful noise? 

Wilbur : I couldn't help it. My, but I was scared stiff. 

Lady Becky: So was L 

Wilbur : You know you're awful smart. Gee, 1 like a 
girl like you. 

Lady Becky (shyly) : Do you? 

Wilbur : You bet. Every girl hasn't as much pluck 
as you have. (Anxiously) Say, do you suppose she will 
come back? 

Lady Becky: Not for a while, but you must be care- 
ful. Lord Philips is to call this afternoon, and you never 
could guess why he is coming. 

Wilbur (sitting on sofa) : To see your mother? 

Lady Becky (shaking her head) : No 

Wilbur: Then why? 

Lady Becky: To see me (sits beside Wilbur). 

Wilbur: What for? 



14 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Lady Becky : He is going to marry me. 

Wilbur {drazds) : Are you going to marry him? 

Lady Becky : Well, I suppose so, if he marries me. 

Wilbur : Why, he is old enough to be your father. 

Lady Becky {thoughtfully) : Is he? 

Wilbur : Yes. {Slozdy) And . so you're going to 
marry him? 

Lady Becky (artfully) : If I don't see anybody I like 
better. 

Wilbur (Thoughtfully looking straight ahead) : And 
so you're going to marry him? 

Lady Becky { glancing at him quickly, resentfully) : I 
said if nobody else asks me. 

Wilbur : Say, look here, Becky, do you like him ? 

Lady Becky (shakes head) : I don't know. 

Wilbur: Don't know? 

Lady Becky : No ; I have never seen him. 

Wilbur: Never have seen him? 

Lady Becky: No! 

Wilbur : Well, then, how did he see you ? 

Lady Becky : He hasn't, yet. 



*' CUPID'S HOUK" 15 

Wilbur: Well, then, will you please tell me how he 
wants to marry you if he hasn't seen you ? 

Lady Becky: He has seen my mother. 

Wilbur (dryly) : Oh, I see. That's the reason. {Pause, 
both looking straight ahead.) Say, do you really want 
to marry him? {Lady Becky shakes her head.) Then 
why don't you say no? . 

Lady Becky: Can't! 

Wilbur: Why not? 

Lady Becky: I'm afraid. 

Wilbur: Is that all ? {Becky shakes her head.) Then 
what is the reason? 

Lady Becky {moving closer to him) :• Might be an old 
maid. 

Wilbur: Is that all? Why, I like old maids. Once I 
knew 

Lady Becky : Don't you like anybody but old maids ? 

Wilbur: Why, of course, I like lots of people. 

Lady Becky {moving closer to him) : Do you like some 
people more than you like other people? 

Wilbur {drawls): Yes— I 

Lady Becky : What people do you like better than other 
people ? 



J 5 PLAYS AXD MONOLOGUES 

Wilbur : Well — I like my mother and my father and 



Lady Becky (anxiously): And? 

Wilbur : And — Oh, I don't know. 

Lady Becky (disappointed): You don't know? 

Wilbur (quickly) : Oh, yes, and I like you. 

Lady Becky: Do you? 

Wilbur : Yes — I think you're the nicest girl I ever met. 

Lady Becky (sighs) : Do you? 

Wilbur: Yes — say, Becky, I'm awful sorry you're go- 
ing to get married. 

Lady Becky (still looking away) : Are you? 

Wilbur: Yes — I'll be awfully lonesome. 

Lady Becky: Will you? 

Wilbur : I suppose he'll take you away ? 

Lady Becky : I suppose so. 

Wilbur : I wish he wouldn't. 

Lady Becky (quickly) : Oh, but he will. 

Wilbur (dejectedly) : Yes, I suppose he will. (Pause.) 
Say, do you like me? 

Lady Becky (shyly) : Yes, I believe I do. 



<* CUPID'S HOUR 



17 



Wilbur: Do you think you could like me better than 
you could like Lord Philips? 

Lady Becky (teasingly) : Well, I don't know ; 1 haven't 
seen him yet. 

Wilbur: Well, if you could like me 

Lady Becky (quickly) : Yes 

-Wilbur (slowly) : Well — if you could like me as well 
as 



Lady Becky (impatiently) : As well as- 



Wilbur: As well as — (looking towards door un- 
easily) — say, do you suppose anybody will come? 

Lady Becky (moves towards end of sofa) : Oh, I don't 
know. 

Wilbur: Oh, don't look so cross, Becky — you're not 
nearly so pretty when you scowl. (Becky smiles and 
moves towards him.) Do you know that you are very 
pretty, Becky? 

Lady Becky (shyly) : Oh, am I? 

Wilbur : Yes — I think you are. 

Lady Becky : Maybe Lord Philips will, too. 

Wilbur : Becky. 

Lady Becky: What is it, Wilbur? 



1 8 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Wilbur: Becky, would you just as soon — would you 
just as soon 

Lady Becky: Just as soon what, Wilbur ? 

Wilbur (uneasily) : Would you just as soon marry — 
marry 

Lady Becky (eagerly) : Yes. 

Wilbur: Would you just as soon marry — (looks to- 
ward door). Say, do you suppose anybody will come? 

Lady Becky (impatient) : Oh, Wilbur, I don't know. 
(Moves to other end of sofa.) 

Wilbur: Well, as I was saying, would you just as soon 
marry — (Marie, outside, says, "This zvay. Lord Philips.'' 
Wilbur and Becky rise quickly). Oh, pshaw! I knew 
some one would come. 

Lady Becky: Oh, hide, Wilbur — run! 

Wilbur (all excitement, running from one door to an- 
other, and finally straddles zvindow sill): Where! 
Where ! 

Lady Becky: Not there, Wilbur, there isn't time.' Be- 
hind the screen! (Enter Lord Philips as Wilbur secretes 
himself.) 

Lady Becky (curtseys) : How do you do? 

Lord Philips (bowing) : To whom have I the pleas- 
ure? 



"CUPID'S HOUE'' 19 

...Xady.Becky; I'm Lady Becky. 

Lord Philips : I beg your pardon, but there must be 
some mistake. I understood Mrs. Tyrrell to say that- 
well, that her daughter was a young lady. 

Lady Becky : I attend a young ladies' school. 

Lord Philips: I see— I see. (;ScruHmccs her closely 
and using monocle.) How old are you? 

Lady Becky : I'm eighteen— but mother always says I 
am sixteen. 

Lord Philips : Oh, I see ! (Again uses monocle.) . 

Lady Becky [aside) : I wish he would put that thing 
downi it makes me nervous. (To Lord Philips) : Won't 
you be seated ? Mother will be back directly. 

Lord Philips: Thank you. (Sits.) And so you are 
eighteen ? 

Lady Becky: Yes. (Slozdy.) Mother says that you 
— that you 

Lord Philips (kindly) : Yes. 

Lady Becky ■ (hesitates) : ]\Iother says— mother says 
that you would— would like to marry me. 

Lord Philips (amused): Well? 

Lady Becky (uneasily) : Well! 

Lord Philips: Well? 



20 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Lady Becky : Well, I thought Lord Philips that maybe 
as I'm not grown up as much as you thought I was — 
you'd as soon not. 

Lord Philips (surprised) : Well, I declare, you quite 
surprise me and I really 

Lady Becky : Yes, I know but I— that is mother— oh, 
Lord Philips, please say no — you see I like— that is I 
think he likes — (Wilbur nods to her to go on). 

Lord Philips: Well, but your mother said 

Lady Becky: Yes, I know mother said— but she 
wouldn't mind— you see Lord Philips all mother wants is 
your title, she thinks it would be an advantage to have me 
marry you, but really, she doesn't like you a bit — why, 
only the other day I heard her tell Lady Winthrop that 
you were an awful old stick, and if it wasn't for your 
title and money you would scarcely be endurable. 

Lord Philips (angrily): You don't say so! 

Lady Becky : Oh, yes, I do and then Lady Winthrop 
said that you were one of that stupid sort of persons who 
almost menace our social system. Mother said, after 
Lady Winthrop had gone, that the thing was conclusive, 
that now she knew that Lady Winthrop was jealous and 
wanted you herself. 

Lord Philips (angrily) : Well, these are indeed glim- 
merings of intelligence that I never knew existed. 



''CUPID'S HOUR" 21 

Lady Becky : But do you know, Lord Philips, I don't 
agree with them. I think you are very nice. 

Lord Philips (taken aback) : Well, I am sure. Lady 
Becky, that I feel highly honored by the compliment you 
pay me. (Bows. Wilbur peers out from behind the 
screen imitating Lord Philips' bow. Becky looks at him 
disapprovingly. ) 

Lady Becky: Yes, really I like you. {Wilbur shakes 
head at her. Becky affects not to see him.) Yes, I don't 
think you a bit stiff and you are really quite handsome. 

Lord Philips (stii^y) : Really, Lady Becky. 

Lady Becky : But, Lord Philips, you don't really want 
to marry me, do you? 

Lord Philips: Well, no — I rather think not. 

Lady Becky (anxiously) : And you're not angry with 
me, are you? 

Lord Philips: No, indeed (bo'H'ing) , be assured that 
I could not entertain any such feeling toward such a 
charming young lady as yourself. (Wilbur imitates the 
boiv until Lord Philips kisses Becky's hand, then he rat- 
tles screen. Lord Philips looks round. Becky saves the 
situation by a sudden scream.) (Excitedly) What is it, 
my dear? Did you hurt yourself? 

Lady Becky: No, no, I merely knocked my hand 



22 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

(smiling). It is all right now. Please be seated. (As 
Lord Philips seats himself, Becky goes up behind sofa 
and as Wilhnr peers out she zmves her hand at him and 
they fuss hack and forth. Lord Philips looks up and 
Becky comes dozm quickly.) 

Lord Philips : I really feel that I had better be going. 

Lady Becky: Can't you wait for mother? She surely 
cannot be much longer. Do stay. {Wilbur makes grim- 
aces, trying to attract Becky's attention.) 

Lord Philips: Very well, to please you. Do you 
know you have made me feel quite at home? 

Lady Becky: Have I? 

Lord Philips: Yes, indeed you have. 

Lady Becky: I am glad of that, for if I had not I 
would have felt very sorry. If I had met you sooner, 
Lord Philips, I might 

Lord Philips {quickly) : Yes, you might 

Lady Becky : I might have liked you very much. 

Lord Philips {hopefully) : Maybe it is not too late 
now. {Business for Wilbur.) 

Lady Becky : Oh, yes, it is. You see I did not know 
you until today, and when one meets some one only today 
when they met someone else yesterday, that is, I mean 



<< CUPID'S HOUR" 23 

(confused), well, of course, they like the somebody of 
yesterday better than the somebody Of today. 

Lord Philips: Oh, I see, then there is someone else? 

Lady Becky (glancing tozvard screen, Wilbur nods) : 
Yes. 

Lord Philips : Then, of course, it makes a difference ; 
but I was sure your mother said • 

Lady Becky : Yes, mother — that is, mother doesn't 
know. (Lord Philips smiles and nods.) 

Lord Philips: I thought so. 

Lady Becky: It happened this way: mother wants 
me to marry a title, but really I don't care for a title and 
besides Wilbur has an uncle who has a title. (Excitedly 
turns to screen, forgetting herself.) Haven't you, Wil- 
bur? (Starts.) 

Lord Philips (looking around, using monocle): Eh! 

Lady Becky : I mean, don't you know that Wilbur has 
a title? 

Lord Philips : I must confess. Lady Becky, that I am 
quite at sea, as I do not recognize the name you mention. 

Lady Becky : Oh, that is so ; you don't know Wilbur, 

do you? 

Lord Philips: Did I understand you to say that the 
gentleman has asked your hand in marriage? 



24 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Lady Becky: Well I — (glances tozvard screen) — that 
is, I — (Wilbur nods yes) — well — (relieved) — yes, he has ! 

Lord Philips : And you have accepted ? 

Lady Becky: Well (teasingly) — well, not exactly. 
(Wilhur looks disappointed.) 

Lord Philips (quickly) : You mean? 

Lady Becky: But I think— I shall. 

Lord Philips: Oh! 

Lady Becky: Lord Philips, won't you help me? You 
see, if mother thinks there is any opportunity to gain a 
title she never vv^ill give it up. Oh, please — please tell 
her that you do not want me. 

Lord Philips: Well, I could hardly be truthful and 
tell her that now that I have seen yon, Lady Becky, but 
there might be some other way. 

Lady Becky : Oh, please — please find a way. 

Lord Philips : Let me think ! 

Lady Becky : Yes — yes ! 

Lord Philips : I might write and withdraw my offer. 

Lady Becky: Yes. 

Lord Philips (rising) : I zvill write. 

Lady Becky: Lord Philips, you're a dear! (Throzvs 



'' CUPID \S HOUR" 25 

her arms around his neck, then seeing Wilbur, confusedly 
disengages herself and curtseys.) I beg your pardon. 

Lord Philips : Not at all ! Not at all, my dear. And 
now I will say good afternoon and I wish you every hap- 
piness. (Bozvs and exit.) 

Lady Becky (follozving him to door, sighs) : Oh, Wil- 
bur, isn't he handsome? (Wilbur comes out.) 

Wilbur: Well, I don't see anything to rave about in 
him. He's got more nerve than any one I ever saw. 

Lady Becky (crossly) : Well, you needn't be so 
snappy. I think he is a perfect — what's that man's 
name? — oh, yes, Apollo! 

Wilbur: Apollo! Well, I suppose it is only a matter 
of opinion. 

Lady Becky: Yes, it is a matter of opinion. But I 
was so deceived in you, as Longfellow said once, "Oh, 
that deceit should dwell in such a gorgeous palace." 

Wilbur : Longfellow never said that. 

Lady Becky (angrily) : Are you going to contradict 
every word I say? 

Wilbur: No, but honestly, Becky, Longfellow never 
said that. 

Lady Becky: Well, I suppose you can tell me who 
did (haughtily). 



26 FLAY a AND MONOLOGUES 

Wilbur : Surely. Juliet says that of Romeo. 

Lady Becky : Well, supposing she did, WhatV^lre' dif- 
ference, it was said, wasn't it ? 

Wilbur: Yes, you're right, Becky, but don't be cross, 
Becky, you're not nearly so pretty. 

Lady Becky (anxiously): I'm not? Well, I'm not 
cross. 

Wilbur: Well, you were, and. when a girl is going to 
marry a man she doesn't usually get cross with him, and 
you are going to marry me ! 

Lady Becky : No, I'm not ; I've changed my mind. 

Wilbur : Oh, you don't mean that, Becky. 

Lady Becky: Yes, I do, and you can go right home, 
and I don't care whether I ever see you again or not. So ! 

Wilbur: Yes, you do, Becky. (Goes over to her.) 

Lady Becky: No, I don't, and you can just go home. 

Wilbur (sighs) : Well, all right; I'll go. (Starts to- 
ward window. When Becky sees that he really intends 
going she pretends to cry, sobbing very hard. Wilbur 
comes back quickly and takes her into his arms awk- 
wardly.) Oh, I say, Becky, don't cry like that, it makes 
a fellow feel bad. 

Lady Becky : Well, you don't care for me a bit (sobs) . 



CUPID'S HOUK 



27 



Wilbur: Why, yes, I do — only- 



Lady Becky: Well, you never said you loved me 
(sobs). 

Wilbur: I haven't had a chance. 

Lady Becky (looks up shyly)-: Well, you have now. 
(Embrace. Enter Mrs. Tyrrell, shocked at sight.) 

, Mrs. Tyrrell: Becky! 

Lady Becky: Yes, ma'am (frightened) 

- Mrs. Tyrrell : What does this mean ? 

Lady Becky: It means (frightened). 

Mrs; Tyrrell: Well? 

Lady Becky: It means (sobs) — oh, mother. Lord 
Philips has refused to marry me and Wilbur was just 
consoling me (sobs). 

Wilbur (zi'ith courage) : Yes, Mrs. Tyrrell, I told 
Becky not to mind. 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Go to your room instantly, Becky. (To 
Wilbur) As for you, sir (Enter Marie). 

Marie: A note for you, ma'am. 

Mrs. Tyrrell: For me! (Opens it and reads.) "My 
dear Mrs. Tyrrell — " What? 'T must apologize for call- 
ing so early this afternoon and thank you for your in- 
vitation. With deepest regrets I beg that you will not 



28 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

misunderstand me when I ask your permission to with- 
draw from the marriage arrangement in which we were 
both so interested, but having seen your daughter, I re- 
alize how impossible it would be for me to consider mar- 
riage with such a mere child. 

"With deepest regrets, I beg to remain, your sincere 
friend, Reginald Philips." 

So! so! {Becky sobs louder and louder). My poor 
child ! Aly poor, child ! 

Lady Becky: Now, Fll be an old maid! (Sobs 
loudly. ) 

Mrs. Tyrrell: Do not be disappointed, dear. I 
clearly see what a mistake I might have made in sacri- 
ficing you to such a profligate. I have learned a lesson. 

Lady Becky (sobbing) : Yes, ma'am. 

Wilbur: Mrs. Tyrrell I love Becky and if you think 
my suit worthy of consideration I 

Lady Becky (sobs) : His father's second cousin to an 
Earl, twice removed. 

Mrs. Tyrrell : Becky, do you love Mr. Johnston ? 
Lady Becky : Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Tyrrell (sighs) : Life is very strange, very 
strange. Well, you may choose for yourself, as my 
choice has been so unsuccessful. You may spend ten 



''CUPID'S HO UK" . 29 

minutes together. (Exit. Becky and Wilbur bow and 
then stand looking at each other.) 

Wilbur : Only ten minutes. 

Lady Becky : Yes — only — ten — minutes. 

Wilbur : Pshaw ! I need ten hours to say all I have 
to say. 

Lady Becky: And I 

Wilbur (going to her) : Need only say you love me ; 
say it, Becky. 

Lady Becky: I love you! (Embrace.) 

CURTAIN. 



A DEAL IN WHEAT. 

A PLAY IN ONE ACT. 
Time: The Present. 

Scene: A dining room, furnished moderately well. Telephone. 
Two doors; one to street and another to bed-room. 

PERSONS. 

Barbara Winston, a very sedate young lady. 

Kitty Winston, her sister. 

(Enter Barbara.) 

Barbara : I wonder what time it is and what keeps 
Kitty so long (looks at clock on table). My, it seems 
a fearfully long time since she left. Surely it has not 
taken her all this time, three hours, to empty her slim 
purse. I hope she has not encountered any difficulties en 
route from town. I never know just what she will do 
next. (Sitting.) But, poor child, we lead such a monot- 
onous, hum-drum sort of existence that sometimes I am 
not surprised to find her seeking some sort of diversion. 
If I could only bring myself to obey Uncle Richard's 
wishes and marry the man he has chosen, we would not 

30 



A DEAL IN WHEAT 3 1 

need to deprive ourselves of a few of the luxuries now 
denied us, but I cannot marry a man I do not love and in 
consequence thereof, the Hon. Richard Winston has cut 
his nieces' allowance and left them to their own resources 
until they see fit to abide by his decision. Heigh-ho ; Oh, 
dear, at first we thought it easy — poor Kitty need not 
have brought herself into this awful mess of afifairs — but 
she refused to separate from me, so here we are — all our 
efforts have failed — poor Kitty tried hard enough to teach 
dancing and I'm sure I did all I could with music, but 
our futile efforts were nipped in the bud, and after two 
months, we find ourselves with only 40 pounds in bank 
and no financial prospects in view. 

(Enter Kitty zvith her arms full of bundles.) 

Kitty : Hello, Barbara ! Did you think I had forgot- 
ten you? 

(Lays dozen packages in a heap.) 

Barbara (kissing her) : Yes, dear — I was beginning 
to think you had forsaken poor me. 

Kitty : Now, Barbara, that's unkind. Forsaken you ? 
Well, not while my name is Kitty Winston, and — as I see 
no way of managing a change of name — you're pretty 
safe, I guess. 

Barbara : Dear little girl. (Pieks up one of the pack- 
ages.) Well, take off your things, you must be starved. 



32 PLAYS AI\D MONOLOGUES 

Kitty (removes her coat) : Had lunch? 

Barbara : No, I waited for you. I did not fancy din- 
ing alone. Now Kitty, give me your coat and do hurry. 
You look a perfect sight ; do fix your hair. Please hurry, 
I am almost starved. 

Kitty: Well, maybe I'm not. 

Barbara: Then prove your statement and hurry. 
Luncheon was ready an hour ago and I suppose all you 
can have now is tea. 

Kitty : Well, if that is all I can have, it's all I want 
( laughs) . 

Barbara: I'll take these packages in your room (exit). 

Kitty: Yes, I will, Barbara. Oh, what a surprise I 
have in store for her. But I daren't tell her yet (taking 
off her hat and gloz'es) because she is always opposed 
to such things. I met a friend this morning who in con- 
fidence told me that if I were to buy on the Stock Ex- 
change this morning, by one o'clock this afternoon I 
would have money to scatter to the winds. The tempta- 
tion seized me and immediately I rushed to the bank, drew 
our 40 pounds and invested in wheat at — now what was 
that — oh, yes (counts on fingers), 85 on a 2-cent margin, 
whatever that means ; I never could make head or tail out 
of those expressions of the Board, but they seem to know, 
but Mr. Jordan told me that if it were to drop — Oh! 



A DEAL IN WHEAT ^^ 

what hideous things I do think of sometimes — why it 
can't drop — of course it can't — we must win — I say we 
must. If Uncle Dick ever finds out that I have been 
guilty of such a thing, he would never, never forgive me. 

(Enter Barbara; Kitty starts guiltily.) 

Barbara : Now do go put your hat away, Kitty. 

Kitty: Yes, I will, and it won't take me a minute 
(exit). 

Barbara (arranging tea cups) : Mrs. Churchill called 
this morning, asking my permission to let you appear in 
a little playlet she is coaching for a benefit. 

(Enter Kitty with comb and brush in hand, hair hang- 
ing.) 

Kitty: Did you say 1 would, Barbara? 

Barbara : Why, of course, I did not. 

Kitty (disappointed) : Oh, Barbara. 

Barbara: Now Kitty, don't be foolish. I don't like 
to disappoint you, but we really cannot afTord to plunge 
into society just now. Your costumes would amount to 
a fearful sum. 

Kitty (pants) : But, Barbara, you knew I wanted 



Barbara : Yes, I know, dear, and it makes me feel dis- 
appointed to be obliged to deprive you of any pleasure, 
but you understand, dear. 



2^ PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Kitty : But, Barbara, we will have heaps of money, I 
tell you. 

Barbara (surprised): What? 

Kitty (aside) : Oh, I forgot. 

Barbara : I think you had better have luncheon. Your 
mind does not seem to be in a clear state at present. Mrs. 
Churchill left a manuscript for you to look over — (taking 
manuscript in her hands). Here it is. 

Kitty: Oh, give it to me, Barbara. (Takes it from 
Barbara, handing her a pin that she takes from her waist.) 
Fasten my collar, please. 

(Barbara is fastening collar while Kitty looks over 
manuscript.) 

Kitty : Oh, isn't this fine ; just the sort of part I like 
to play. 

(Begins to hum and finally starts across the stage 
with a fezv fancy dance steps humming a tune. Barbara, 
intent on fastening collar, still holds on, follozving her, 
then impatiently calls her.) 

Barbara : Kitty, will you please stand still. 

Kitty (apologizing) : Oh, Barbara, I forgot. Is it 
fastened ? 

Barbara: Yes, now do sit down — and have some tea. 
Your mind will then probably be more receptive. 



A DEAL IN WHEAT 35 

Kitty {seats herself at table) : Yes, I think I need 
some stimulant. {Aside) I want to find out her views 
concerning the Stock Exchange. 

Barbara: Now you may tell me about your morning. 
How it was spent and what kept you so long. 

Kitty {drinking tea and eating crackers, zvith mouth 
full) : Well, I made my limited purchases according to 
my limited fund, trying to spend said limited money in 
a limited space of time, which I did {takes another bite). 

Barbara {laughing): Oh, Kitty, you are so funny; 
take your time. 

Kitty: My dear, I'm doing my best {takes another 
bite), but I am so hungry. But, Barbara, to be frank, 
honest, and to conceal nothing, I spent more than an 
hour talking with — well, guess whom. 

Barbara: Do tell me, I never could guess. 

Kitty : Mr. Walter Jordan. 

Barbara: Well, surely, that is a surprise. 

Ki-tty : And, Barbara, he says that he is sure that Uncle 

Dick has repented his harshness towards you and has 

, even allowed your name to be mentioned without his 

usual {clears her throat, imitates old gentleman) 

"Enough, sir ! Enough ! I will hear no more !" 



36 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Barbara {laughing) : Kitty, aren't you ashamed of 
yourself. 

Kitty: No, I'm not one whit ashamed of myself. I 
do love Uncle Dick, but I think he has behaved shame- 
fully toward us, and his proceedings are unpardonable. 

Barbara: Toward us, Kitty? 

Kitty: Yes, Barbara, tozvard us. When he offends 
you, he likewise offends me. But enough of Uncle Dick. 
Now to Mr. Jordan. Barbara, he told me some startling 
news of the stock exchange. 

Barbara : Oh, Kittie, don't start that, you know I don't 
approve of it in the least. 

Kitty: But, Barbara, just listen this one time. Mr. 
Jordan says that any one buying within the next two 
hours will make a mint of money, so I thought 

Barbara: Now, why persist in discussing such an 
unwelcome topic of conversation? You know our finan- 
cial embarrassment at present, so why waste your time on 
such a subject? 

Kitty: But, Barbara, I thought of our forty pounds, 
and it suddenly occurred to me that where there was no 
risk, there was no gain. 

Barbara : Why, it is all we have, and you know that 
Uncle Dick is only waiting for us to come to him. He is 



A DEAL IN WHEAT 37 

sure that we cannot exist on the income he allows us, and 
is positive that we will find it necessary to appeal to him. 
Uncle Dick prides himself on having such a keen innate 
love of human analysis and is sure that his observation on 
all classes and conditions of women never has erred. 

Kitty (dryly) : Yes — he has lived so long. 

Barbara: He insists his intuitions concerning such 
matters are never wrong, so I want to prove that this 
time he is wrong. So now, Kitty, you understand why 
we must be careful and consider some practical way of 
supporting ourselves. I am sure Uncle will not hold out 
very much longer when he sees we are in earnest. 

Kitty: But, Barbara, we can make money, I tell you, 
if 

Barbara: No, we cannot invest one cent. Why, if 
Uncle heard of it he would never forgive us. Do not per- 
sist, Kitty, it only annoys me. 

Kitty (aside) : Oh, I never can tell her now. (Tele- 
phone rings.) 

Barbara : Answer it, Kitty. 

Kitty: All right; (aside) I am sure that is Mr. Jor- 
dan. Barbara mustn't hear. (To Barbara) Barbara, will 
you please take my brush and comb in the other room? 

Barbara (taking both) Certainly, dear, but answer the 
'phone, or you will lose the party. (Exit.) 



38 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Kitty {at 'phone) : Hello! Hello !— Yes, this is Miss 
Kitty. Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Jordan — good news? — 
Oh, you are very busy — you will have your clerk tele- 
phone the news as it comes from the ticker — What's 
that? — ah, I see — thank you; good-bye {hangs up re- 
ceiver). Oh, if Barbara hears. What can I do to pre- 
vent it until after I have received the news? I must do 
it. 

{Barbara enters.) 

Kitty : Thank you, Barbara ; and, oh, Barbara, by the 
way, I don't like to trouble you so much, but would you 
just as soon mail a letter for me? I don't feel like going 
out now. 

Barbara : Of course I will ; give it to me. Kitty, are 
you quite well? You seem so beside yourself with ex- 
citement ! 

Kitty: I am all right, Barbara; don't worry about me. 
{Gets letter from table; gives it to Barbara.) 

Barbara {looking at letter) : Mrs. Durville — but there 
isn't any address. 

Kitty: Oh, I forgot; give it to me. {Takes letter and 
writes address on it.) 

Barbara: I won't be long, dear. {Puts on hat; exit.) 

Kitty {calls out after her) : Take your time, Barbara; 



A DEAL IN WHEAT ^9 

don't hurry back. {Goes to 'phone.) Oh, I am so impa- 
tient ; I do wish they would hurry ; I'm so afraid Bar- 
bara will come back. {'Phone rings.) Oh, I'm so glad. 
(Takes up receiver.) Hello! Hello! — What? Is this 
Mrs. Jones ? — No ! This isn't Mrs. Jones, and I don't 
know who she is — {hangs up receiver). Now, isn't that 
provoking? If Barbara comes back what shall I do? I 
can't send her out on any other message. {'Phone rings.) 
Hello ! Hello ! — yes — yes, this is Miss Winston speaking 
— yes — what ? — I can't understand — yes, I know who you 
are — what? — wheat has dropped one-half cent? — Oh, 
dear— jyes, I'll wait — what is it ? — the ticker says it drops 
one-half cent more? Merciful Jupiter. Yes — yes — I can't 
understand {excitedly, to some one on the line). Get off 
the line — this line is busy — no — no, go on, I'm talking — 
Hello! Hello! — yes — what? — oh, you'll 'phone further 
reports as soon as they come in. Oh, do hurry them, 
won't you? What? — You'll give me all the information 
that comes over the wire? — Oh, thank you — good-bye. 
{Hangs lip receiver.) 

{Enter Barbara.) 

Barbara: Who was it? {Takes off her hat.) 

Kitty: Some one on the wire had the wrong number 

{nervously), I guess. 
Barbara : Kitty, why are you so excited ? Do go and 

lie down and calm yourself. 



40 . PLAYS AND .MONOLOGUES 

Kitty (excitedly) : Yes, I will, Barbara. {'Phone 
rings. ) 

Barbara: Til answer it. 

Kitty (stopping her) : No, thank you, I'll answer it. 
If you will — if — oh, Barbara, go and get my bed ready, 
and ril topple right in — only please go now. 

Barbara : Very well. Oh, I am so afraid she will be 
ill. (Exit.) 

Kitty (at 'phone): Hello! Hello! Yes— yes — what? 
Wheat has dropped another half cent — goodness, is that 
all wheat ever does? Can't you stop it? — you can't? — 
oh, please try — yes, I have all my money on it and it 
simply must go up — you are sorry, but you can't help it — 
well, I don't think you are at all accommodating — oh, 
dear, what can I do? — just wait? — yes, I will. (Barbara 
calls ''Kitty.'') Yes, I'll be there — but please don't come 
out for me. (In 'phone.) Hello! Yes — will you call Mr. 
Jordan, please? — you can't? — well, can yon tell me what 
will happen if it drops any more? — yes — yes — yes — I 
bought it on a 2-cent margin — well — it's only gone a cent 
and three-quarters ? — yes, but if it goes down any more — 
what? If it goes down more than 2 cents I will have to 
put up more money or lose all ? But I haven't any more 
money, and I can't get any more — don't you understand ? 
— you do? — well, then, why can't you arrange it — you'll 



A DEAL IN WHEAT 



41 



try? — oh, thank you — yes, I'll wait forever, only please 
— please don't let it go any lower, — oh, what will I do — 
Hello! You're sure it will go lower? — (Barbara enters.) 
Oh, Barbara, it has dropped. 

Barbara: What are you talking about? 

Kitty (zvildly) : Wheat, of course — wheat — don't you 
understand? It dropped one-half cent and then another 
half cent, and 

Barbara : Oh, the poor child is delirious ; I knew she 
was ill. Kitty, come to your room. (Takes her arm.) 

Kitty (mildly) : And then it dropped another half cent 
and then (sobs) oh, Barbara — Barbara (sobs). 

Barbara (trying to get her away from 'phone) : Come, 
dear. 

Kitty : No, I can't leave this 'phone ;I must hear, I tell 
you — I must hear. He said it dropped and would surely 
drop lower; and, oh, Barbara, if it is true (sobs), 

Barbara: Poor child; Poor child! 

Kitty: Barbara, we have lost (sobs). 

Barbara: Kitty, you must come to your room. 

Kitty (in 'phone) : Hello ! — yes, I'm here. 

Barbara : Let me talk, you are not in any condition 
to telephone. 



42 PLAYS AXD MONOLOGUES 

Kitty: No, I say I will^— you don't know, Barbara. 
(hi 'phone) Yes — yes 

Barbara : Come away, Kitty. 

Kitty: No, go away, Barbara (in 'phone) yes — yes — 
what? — wheat has gone up two points — oh, what does 
that mean? — yes — yes, I'm listening — (^//7/ sohs) — gone 
up another point. (To Barbara.) Barbara, do you hear 
— another point — (in 'phone) — yes — gone up two points 
more? — yes. Til wait — just call out as it goes up. (Bar- 
bara tries to get her azcay.) No, Barbara, don't bother 
me. 

Barbara : Oh, what shall I do with her ; she is stark 
mad! Let me repeat the message to you, Kitty. (Takes 
receiver azvay from Kitty.) Oh, I must please her; what 
can I do? (In 'phone) Hello! — yes — Hello! 

Kitty: What is it? 

Barbara: Hello! — yes, I'm listening — yes — what? — 
(blankly) one more point (repeats excitedly) one more 
point — one more point — go on. 

Kitty : Get there, wheat — get there, I say. 

Barbara (nen'ously) : Oh, I don't know what I am 
doing or what — or what it all means. Yes — I'm listen- 
ing — yes — another point — yes — still another 

Kitty (standing in center of stage, clenches hands as 



A DEAL IN WHEAT ' 43 

if driving, and all excitement) : Go up — go up, wheat — 
I say you must ! 

Barbara : Two more. 

Kitty : Two more — two more — it must — give me the 
receiver {takes receiver from Barbara). 
Barbara : Oh, Kitty ! Kitty ! Kitty ! 

Kitty (in 'phone): Yes — yes — what do you say? — 
yes — what will I do buy or sell? — You tell me — Sell? — 
All right, I'll sell; {to Barbara) Barbara, I've won — he 
says I've won. 

Barbara: Oh, Kittie ! what have you done? I don't 
understand ! 

Kitty {hugging her) : Stupid — I've put the forty 
pounds on the Stock Exchange and we have won. 

Barbara: Oh, Kitty! 

Kitty : Hurrah for wheat ! ( Waves sofa pilloiv in air.) 
Three cheers for the Stock Exchange. {Picture. Kitty 
jumps on couch, buries her face in sofa pillozvs — Bar- 
bara stands in center of stage blankly looking at her.) 



THE GOVERNESS. 

A PLAY IN ONE ACT. 

Time: The Present. 

Scene: A drawing-room. Two doors; one leading to hall off 
R. U. E., another to bed-room L. I. E. Table near bed-room door. 

PERSONS. 

Jane Templeton (a contrary young lady of sixteen). 

Gretta {her German governess, who finds it very hard 
to speak English). 

Discovered: Jane at bedroom door, zmth her finger on 
her lips — holds pose a second, then crosses to other door 
very slozvly on tip-toe, then crosses back again, looking 
cautiously over shoulder at other door. Turns damn 
lamp on table, then crosses to bedroom pulling curtain 
aside. 

Jane: Shi Sh! Not a word, on your life! Be per- 
fectly still! (Crosses to hall door on tip-toe, then back 
again.) Sh! (in loud whisper) G r^f /a might come ! I'll 
close the curtains and not a word on your life! (Closes 
curtains, crosses to table and turns up the light looking 

44 



THE GOVERNESS 45 

anxiously from one door to another.) Poor Harry, I 
know he hasn't done any wrong — what wrong can there 
be in his steaHng away from the ranks for a few mo- 
ments to see me — but that nasty old Lieutenant is so 
strict, Harry says, that if he is missed he will be put in 
the guardhouse. How awful! Oh! (puts head in hands 
and shudders). If I can only get rid of Gretta, so that 
she won't know Harry is here (fearfully) ; Oh, here she 
comes (turns lamp up and hastily snatches book from ta- 
ble, opening it and pretends to read. Enter Gretta, calling 
with very strong German accent). 

Gretta : Miss Jans ! Miss Jans ! Oh, there you are. 
Now I think it very late. Madam, your mother, leave 
vord when she go out — that you retire early ; she have 
planned vone glorious trip tomorrow, and you must be 
up early. 

Jane: Oh, Gretta! just a little longer. It is so early, 
and I am not at all sleepy. 

Gretta: But Madam, your mother, say 



Jane : Now, Gretta, it is always "Madam — your 
mother" — please let me have mv way if only for this 
time. 

Gretta : Yes, but you always do this same thing every 
time, and every time Madam say to me — *'Do not again 
as Miss Jans say — do as I say." 



46 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Jane (pleadingly) : But Gretta, just this once, please. 

Gretta: No, Miss Jans, I do not like to refuse you, 
but I must— now, what do you say in English ?— obey- 
yes, obey Madam's orders, and she say you retire. 

Jane (peevishly) : Now I know what you are going 
to do; you are just going to make me unhappy (pouts). 

Gretta: Oh, now. Miss Jans, you know I want to 
please you, but what am I to do ? Madam say you drive, 
you say you valk; Madam say you speak French, you 
say you speak German ; Madam say you stay home, you 
say you go out, and a//— all I am blame for— I know not 
what to say (seats herself zvearily). 

Jane (sobbing) : But you must not make me unhappy, 
Gretta; that's what you do (sobs). 

Gretta (relenting) : Don*t say that, Aliss Jans (goes to 
her). 

Jane: Yes, you do (sobs) shaking off Gretta's hand. 

Gretta : No, I do not, but I obey Madam your mother's 
orders. (Stands immovably, stage center.) 

Jane: Don't be angry with me, Gretta; you— you 
know I love you heaps, now, don't you, Gretta ? 

(Gretta stands stolidly looking straight ahead. Jane 
goes from one side to another trying to make Gretta 
see her, then finally sobs.) 



THE GOVERNESS ^^ 

Jane: You don't love me any more. 

Gretta {relenting) : Of course I do {goes to her; 
kisses her), but you have such a contrary way. I never 
know what you will do next. Now if you do not go to 
bed you must correct your lesson of this morning. It was 
very bad. 

Jane : What lesson, Gretta ? 

Gretta : Why, your German, of course. 

Jane (aside) : Oh, that hideous stuff! 

Gretta: I will get the books (starts to go). 

Jane (stopping her) : Oh, Gretta, I don't want to. 

Gretta : Yes, you must ; indeed you must. 

Jane : Well, then, only a little lesson, Gretta. 

Gretta: Yes — I will go for the book. (Exit.) 

Jane (looks out after her, then runs to door of bed- 
room) : Don't make a sound, Harry, and the first op- 
portunity you have climb down by the fire escape and 
you will be all right, but do hurry, because Gretta never 
misses a thing. Sh ! (crosses to other door). Just fancy 
being seventeen and neither driving, walking, singing or 
dancing alone. Why even in my sleep I see Mary stand- 
ing over me with that old German book, commanding me 



48 



PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 



to say ''Sie ist ein dum kopf" (starts). Oh, here she 
comes (runs to bedroom, saying) Sh ! 

(Enter Gretta nnth hook.) 

Gretta: Now we will begin (seats herself at table near 
door). 

Jane (anxiously) : Let's move the table over here 
Gretta — it will be much nicer (points to other side of 
room). 

Gretta : No, it will do as well here. 

Jane : But, Gretta, I don't feel like saying German on 
this side of the room (looks anxiously tozvard bedroom.) 
(Aside) Oh, she can hear every sound in there. 

Gretta (paying no attention) : Now we will begin. 

Jane : But I can't study on that side, I tell you. 

Gretta (impatiently) : Oh, you so funny girl. 

Jane (coaxingly) : Oh, please, Gretta. 

Gretta : All right — but you so queer, Miss Jans. 

(They move table and then sit at either side — Jane 
gives sigh of satisfaction but glances uneasily toward 
door.) 

Gretta (in deep voice) : Die fiinf Worter die ich dir 
gegeben habe? 



THE GOVERNESS 49 

Jane (aside) : She wants me to give those things I 
did this morning and I never can remember. 

Gretta : Begin ! 

Jane (weakly) : Wir — bin — es. 

Gretta (standing and almost shouting) : Ich bin es — 
you must say. 

Jane : Well, I'll say it — Ich bin es. Du bist es. Er- 
bist es. 

Gretta ( rising again ) : Wie habe ich dir gesacht, "Er 
ist es ?" 

Jane : Well, I can't help it, can I ? Fudge for all the 
old German. I never can get all this stuff. Er ist es. 
Sie ist es. Wir sind es? — does that suit you? 

Gretta : Now, I ask questions and you answer. 

Jane : I can't. 

Gretta : Ready ! Was ist der hund ? 

Jane (suddenly) : I don't know. 

Gretta: Was ist der hund? 

Jane (pouts) : Die hund ist treu. 

Gretta: Not die hund — der hund ist treu. 

Jane (repeats) : Der*hund ist treu. 

Gretta : Was ist das Buch ? 



50 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Jane: I don't know. 

Gretta (repeating): Was ist das Buch? 

Jane : Well, I don't know, I say. 

Gretta: Was ist das Buch? 

Jane: / don't know! 

{Loud knocks at door — both jump up startled. Gretta 
rushes out screaming "Ach, mcin Gott!" Jane rushes to 
door.) 

Jane: Why, what on earth is it? 

Gretta {outside) : "No, sir — I say you cannot come in, 
there is no one here!" (Enters.) What you think. Miss 
Jans — a man, what you call — officer — come and say a 
man they want vas track here — to this house — (loud 
knocks). Oh, hear — they will knock down the door. 

Jane: Oh, Gretta, Gretta (sobs) can you ever forgive 
me? The man is here — I let him in (sobs). 

Gretta (screams) : A man? A man in this house and 
you let him in? (Screams). Murder! Help! Oh, we 
must fly. 

Jane: No, Gretta — don't you see we must not let 
them in, we must wait until the man can get out by way 
of the fire escape. 

Gretta (screaming) : Oh, where is he? 



THE GOVEENESS 



51 



Jane (whispers) : In my room. 



Gretta (screams): In your room — Oh, Miss Jans! 
Was sol ich thum ! Was sol ich thum ! 

Jane: Don't scream, Gretta — you must just keep the 
officers from this room. If they find us sheltering him 
we would suffer for it, Gretta. 

Gretta: A man here and, oh, to think that I should 
not have known it ! Oh! Oh! (Sobs.) 

Jane (mischievously) : Yes, Gretta, it is sad that you 
missed this one event. This indignity imposed on your 
discretion. (Loud knocks.) 

Gretta : Oh, hear them ; they will come in here. What 
will we do? 

Jane : I'll tell you. You guard this room with your 
life, Gretta — I will go into my room, help the prisoner 
escape, and you keep them interested in this side of the 
house. 

Gretta (all astonishment) : You go in there where 
that man is ? No, he would kill you ! 

Jane (smiles) : Don't worry, Gretta; I have him un- 
der the most surprising control. He is quite harmless 
and all he thinks of is his escape. Go and see how many 
there are. (Gretta exits sobbing. Jane goes to door 
and looks -in bedroom.) Gone! Now, if I can only keep 



52 I'LAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

them here until Harry gets back to the rank— oh, dear, 
but this is exciting. {Enter Gretta screaming.) 

Gretta : Oh, there are so many men ; what will Madam 
say? We both lose our lives, and then, oh, then what 
will happen ? What will become of us ? Oh ! Oh ! 

Jane (laughingly): Have a funeral, Gretta. (Sol- 
emnly) And then I couldn't say 

Gretta: How can I stop them? 

Jane: Use your wits, Gretta ! (Exit. Loud knocks.) 

Gretta : "Oh, sie wollen herein, kommen. Mein lieber 
Gott! Mein lieber Gott." (To Jane) Madam never for- 
give me for not watching Miss Jans. I do all I can— but 
(loud knocks). Oh, there they are— how can I keep them 
out of here? (Goes to hall door.) Sirs, come not in 
here. This is my lady's room and you shall not enter. 
(Outside men say, ''Step aside, Madam, we must enter." 
Gretta guards door.) This is Miss Jans' room and she 
have retired and— oh, what shall I say? (Cries.) (Jane 
throws a shoe from her room across the stage— Gretta 
screams— Jane throws another shoe, folloived by stock- 
ings.) 

Gretta : Aliss Jans— no more— no more ! 

Jane (from- her room) : I'll come out if they don't go 
away! 



THE GOVERNESS 53 

Gretta (cries, wildly running from one side of stage to 
other) : Oh, do not, Miss Jans — please, men, go away — 
you have disturbed my lady's slumbers. Go ! 

Jane: I'm coming, Gretta. 

Gretta : Please, Miss Jans — Miss Jans ! Oh, what will 
I do? 

Jane (peeping out zvith night-cap on) : Yes, I will, 
Gretta — Fm coming! 

Gretta (gets on her knees and pleads with Jane) : Oh, 
please (gets up and runs to door), please, men, go away, 
my lady has retired and says she will come out if you 
don't go away. (Loud noise of departing footsteps.) 

Jane (coming out dressed as before and pulling off 
night-cap) : Have they gone? 

Gretta (falling into chair) : Yes, they have gone, but 
has he gone? 

Jane: Yes, he's gone. (Comes up to Gretta.) Oh, 
Gretta, wasn't that tremendous ! 

Gretta: I say preposterous. 

Jane: Just something you missed. (Gretta sits look- 
ing straight ahead. Jane points finger at her laughing.) 

CURTAIN. 



THE BURGLAR." 



A MONOLOGUE. 



(Enter Mrs. Dixon zvith book under her arm. Speaks) : 
Nine o'clock! Nine o'clock, and Roger not home yet! 
I've walked through every room of this house trying to 
occupy my mind. I've read, played the piano, played sol- 
itaire and sung myself ill. Even II Trovatore fails to 
inspire the usual interest, and I can always fancy myself 
in the prison scene. I always do experience every feel- 
ing of emotion displayed by heroines of books and plays, 
but now I cannot feel anything — cannot sustain any 
thought that will banish the awful injustice of having 
been left alone. The idea ! Why, Roger has been gone a 
whole hour: just to think of it and we have only been 
married a month ! If he adds an hour to each month I 
can fancy my future, rather a lonely proposition. What 
time is it now ? (Looks at watch. Seats herself at table.) 
Only two minutes after nine ! It seems ages since I looked 
before. Clubs ! Clubs ! Nothing but Clubs ! If I knew 
that Roger's being a club member meant that I was to be 
left alone two nights out of every week, I never would 
have married him. I'm sure I never heard so much about 

54 



THE BUEGLAR ^^ 

clubs before we were married. Nothing could ever in- 
duce Roger to attend the meetings then, and now — well, 
he never misses one. Oh, the awful injustice of it — it is 
shameful and I won't suffer this awful abuse. I'll — I'll — 
Oh, I don't know what I'll do ! 

(Walks lip and dozvn.) 

I don't care anyway — at least I'm not going to care ; I 
guess I can amuse myself in his absence. I'll read — 
that's what I'll do ! 

(Sits at table, tries to read; then tosses book away, im- 
patiently.) 

There is not one book on the market that is worth pub- 
lication. The heroines are all such namby-pamby crea- 
tures — afraid of their own shadows. Why, an ordinary 
man would frighten the. life out of the woman in this 
book. Why on earth doesn't some one write from human 
nature instead of placing infants in peril and expecting 
them to assume dignity and bravery that befits a womanly 
woman. Stuff and nonsense ! 

(Rises and goes over to piano — plays a moment and 
then leans her head on arms, resting on the piano.) 

Oh, dear! Everything is so tiresome — and I am so 
tired. 

(Noise of opening door is heard.) 



56 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

What's that? I'm sure I heard something! 

(Noise repeated.) 

Yes, there it is again ! Oh, I left the latch off the front 
door as Roger forgot his key and — oh, no! it couldn't be! 
How very foolish of. me. 

(Pause.) 

Oh, dear, I'm sure I heard the door open. Yes, there 
it goes again. Oh, dear, dear I 

(Goes to door, calls Maid.) 

Katie! Katie! Did you hear anything? 

(Pause. ) 

You did? You heard the door open? Well, go and 
see who it is, Katie, and if it is a man tell him, whoever 
he is, that if he has come to rob us he might as well go 
away because there isn't anything in the house worth 
having. The plate is all in the vault and I haven't any- 
thing but my engagement ring, and he can't have that. 
What? You're afraid? Absurd! Ridiculous! Go in- 
stantly! The idea of being afraid of a man! (Sarcas- 
tically.) You're afraid! (Bravely) Then I shall go! 

(Pause.) 

Oh dear— there it is again! Til just get Roger's re- 
volver and — and — shoot him; that's what I'll do. The 
assurance of the creature to rob a house where there is 



THE BURGLAE 57 

no one but a lone woman to protect it. I'll show him ! 

{Bravely lifts revolver — then suddenly holds it far off 

growing very timid.) 

Oh, I can't — I don't know how to use this thing. I al- 
ways was afraid of revolvers. What if I should shoot 
him — or worse — if he should shoot me? Well, it would 
serve Roger right to come home and find me dead — then 
he would realize his cruelty to me. (Sobs.) 

There he is in the dining room. I can just hear him 
taking all my cut glass and things — there — yes, he is tak- 
ing all my silver, I can hear the spoons rattle. Oh, what 
shall I do ! Shall I hide — or face him — oh, no, he might 
shoot. (Pause.) He wouldn't come in here. Yes — I am 
sure he's coming. 

(Rushes to curtains and hides behind them crying in 
loud whisper.) Help ! Help ! Roger ! Katie ! Oh, dear ! 

(Pause — she comes out cautiously looking about,) 

Oh, I am sure he was coming and maybe my loud 
screams frightened him (Pause.) Oh, there he comes 
again. What shall I do? 

(Pulls center-piece from table, zvrapping it about her 
head and hiding at the side of the table — crouching to the 
floor.) 

Oh, please, Mr. Burglar, don't shoot! You can have 
anything in the house, only don't shoot! 



^8 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

{Looking up sees Roger.) 

Roger ! Roger ! Did he kill you ? What am I doing ? 
Why, there was a dreadful burglar in the house just now, 
and he has taken everything and it's all your fault — I 
might have been killed and it would serve you right for 
leaving me all alone — and I was so frightened. 

{Pause.) 

There wasn't any burglar ! Roger, how can you say 
such a thing when you know there was ? He came in at 
the front door softly so that I might not hear him and — 
It was you and you tried not to wake me? {Indignantly) 
Well, do you suppose that I could sleep when there wasn't 
a soul to protect the house? Katie was afraid. I think it 
was shameful for you to leave me — you don't love me 
any more and I am going home to my mother. She loves 
me and you don't. {Sohs.) No, you don't or you 
wouldn't leave me for clubs. No! (Sobs.) Well, you 
won't leave me any more ? Never again ? Well, I guess 
I do love you — but wasn't I brave, Roger? 

CURTAIN. 



"IN A LATIN QUARTER." 

MONOLOGUE. 

Scene: An artist's studio. Many unfinished pictures about 
the room ; an easel with draped picture U. L. C. Table with 
photo D. L. C. Chair, couch, artist's stool. 

• (Enter ''Fron-Frou," an immature child of about 14 
years of age, neatly but poorly clad, zvith a crude attempt 
at -finery, carrying a large dilapidated rag dog — hugs 
closely in arms. Looks about room, calls ''Monsieur" 
several times, looks in every part of room — calls again 
and again.) 

Monsieur! Not here! {Disappointedly.) Oh I I am 
late and I ran so fast I am all tired out and it is all your 
fault. {Takes dog in hands shaking him by the fore legs.) 
You're such an ugly old thing! {hard shake) Homely — 
can't talk — you're no company. {Throws dog on couch — 
crosses to other side of room; taps foot impatiently. Then, 
relenting, crosses, kneels beside couch). Oh, yes, you 
are — you're the best friend I've got, besides Monsieur; 
and I wouldn't give you up for anyone except him 
{thoughtfully), and I don't know that I'd give you up 
for him, because I knew you long before, and then you 

59 



6o PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

have listened to all my troubles — used to call you Mug. 
That was before I was educated (rises), before Mon- 
sieur took us, you and I; now your name is Muggins; 
Monsieur said that would be more refined. (Looks out 
of window.) Oh, this beautiful morning makes my heart 
feel glad — glad, because I live to make Monsieur's life 
happy — every day the same thing, work, and for him. 
Oh, what happiness it gives me only you and I understand 
— we alone know what it was to work and starve — starve 
not only for food — but for one kind word — and now who 
would know? Oh, how changed we are! Just to think 
that one year ago you and I were cold, shivering, stand- 
ing on street corners with our little store of worthless 
goods. Oh, we were so desolate then ! Monsieur came — 
he saw — he pitied — he painted. See this picture — such a 
desolate little creature — great hungry eyes — and that is all. 
Yet through this Monsieur has become a great artist. This 
poor little room was then much as we were — but now 
everything has changed, Monsieur, you, I, the world, and 
everything. Muggins (scolding dog), why do you keep 
me from my work, nothing is done and it is all your fault ! 
Not a word ! You know it is — ]\Ionsier said that if I did 
not talk to you so much I would accomplish more ! — Oh, 
I must have everything in order for Monsieur's return 
(arranges chairs), that he may work without annoyance 
(dusting). I did not learn my lesson — sometimes I am so 
stupid — but Monsieur is so patient — I try hard to master 



''IN A LATIN QUAKTER" 5l 

all the words — Monsieur says I read quite well now 
(picks up 'photo from table). Oh, Monsieur, you have 
been so kind — what would it not mean for me to lose 
you — I must study. Here is the paper he left for me to 
read. Come, Muggins, we'll read together — it's just as 
necessary for you to be educated. (Kneels beside stool 
on which she places dog.) Dearest: Your picture is be- 
fore me, and, oh! what 'joy it gives me to look into your 
beautiful eyes and know that you are mine. Beloved, I 
am so unhappy — knowing that I have been the cause of 
one moment's anxiety to you in regard to Frou-Frou. 
You know she is such ah innocent little waif, I scarcely 
know how to tell her that she must go from my life. Just 
a year ago I found her in the streets almost starving, 
clinging to a little rag dog and the poor child's large eyes 
appealed to me so that I carried her home in my arms 
and gave her food. You know how rapidly she improved 
and how every day since she has come to my studio and 
sat for me. Health and strength soon spoiled my pathetic 
subject, for as the roses came to her cheeks, she lost the 
wistful, hungry eyes, and I lost my model. But I could 
not turn her away. I do not know what to do with her — 
poor little soul. Oh, my darling Irma — tell me — do not 
let this be the cause of our separation. I love you and 
you alone. Do not break my heart. I love you — I love 
you. Jean. 



52 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

(Talking to picture) : Oh, Monsieur, I don't want 
to go — I don't want to leave you. We don't want to go — 
do we, Muggins? — you've made life so different for us. 
We won't be in the way — we won't even speak to you — 
we'll just come early and — and — get behind that screen 
(points to screen U. L. C.) and we'll only peep at you — 
we won't bother you a bit. We don't want to leave you. 
We — oh ! — I see — now — you love the beautiful lady — yes, 
she is beautiful, and I am only plain Frou-Frou. Oh, I 
see now — I understand it all — you don't want me — you 
only pity me — No — No — I don't want your pity — I don't 
want it. Oh, why — why did you not leave me where I 
was — I would not then have known what it meant to love 
you — yes, I was a child then, and I did not understand, 

but now — now (falls into chair and zveeps; rises 

slowly, goes to table ; stretches arms out toward picture, 
then taking dog in arms sobs) Come on, INIuggins — wc 
— had better go together — and — alone. (Exit.) 

CURTAIN. 



THE COQUETTE. 

(A young lady returning from a house party, accompanied by 
a young man, enters train, all out of breath she exclaims.) 

Here we are at last. I thought I would never make 
this train. Now that I have, I can breathe freely. (To 
porter on train) No, porter, not thirty-five, thirty-six is 
the number of my berth. Thank you. Seats herself {To 
gentleman companion) How long have we, Harry? Ten 
minutes? O, quite a long time on a train. Do sit down 
and we can have a nice, quiet chat. Do you know it is 
awfully good of you to come down here this morning. I 
guess I quite stole the march on the others. How I hated 
to leave. House parties are always so exciting. And this 
one has been especia.ly delightful — we all got along so 
famously together. Didn't we ? It's too bad I go in the 
opposite direction to the others. (Archly) I am just ter- 
ribly lonesome at parting from you all, — and then this 
unearthly hour to have to catch a train. Don't you think 
railroad people unreasonable ? I have never known them 
fail to put on a special for some such outlandish place as I 
have to go to that they do not have it leave at some such 
beastly hour as this. Just fancy, having to catch a train 

63 



64 



PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 



at eight o'clock. I guess I will have to sleep a week to 
make up for this dissipation in early rising — what's that 
— you have something of importance to say to me ? Well, 
what is it? — oh, you don't feel that this is an appropriate 
hour — (aside) Oh, at last, he is going to propose! (To 
Harry) Well, don't you feel that when anything of im- 
portance is to be said and only a short time to say it in, 
you ought to hurry? (Confusedly) Oh, of course, I 
don't know just what you are going to sa} , you see I 
was only advising — oh, you think me quite different from 
other girls — (aside) Oh, he takes so long. (To Harry) 
Yes, I think so, too. (Aside) How stupid of me. (To 
Harry) I mean I think it strange that you think me so 
different, for I am quite like all the others — that's all 
your imagination. Now I sleep, eat, drink and dance 
just like the rest of my sex, and yet you term me differ- 
ent — Oh, you z'ozv I am. (Aside) He's on the right track. 
( To Harry) Well, is this the important thing you wished 
to confide in me? Just the beginning? (Quickly) Good- 
ness me, if you are going to go through with it all you'll 
never get it said. (Excitedly) Oh, no. I don't know 
what you are going to say, but I rather guess I am ner- 
vous {looks at li'atch), and five minutes of our time is up 
now — I ought to know what you are going to say? Oh, 
I assure you, quite the contrary — I haven't the slightest 
idea. (Innocently) But maybe I could guess. Try? 
Oh, all right — is it (then thoughtfully) — is it — oh, is it 



THE COQUETTE 6; 

some new business enterprise? No? Oh, dear, I'll have 
to guess again, won't I? (Thinking very hard) Well, 
then, maybe it concerns the purchasing of a new automo- 
bile. No ? Oh, I never was very good at guessing. Oh, 
you're sure I can? (Aside) He's so slow. I guess I'll 
help him along. Let me think. (Leans over pretending 
to think very hard.) (Suddenly) I know, you're in love. 
I'm right? Good! Now, do tell me who she is. I must 
guess ? Well, that will be hard— is it someone I know ? 
(Aside) He's getting there. (Artfully) It is? Well, 
don't make me think, just tell me. You say I must guess 
—well— a guest at the house party? Well, let me see, 
who could it be? It's— no— Oh, I never could guess. 
(Leaning forzvard pretending to think very hard, sud- 
denly exclaims) What did you do with my hat box ? No, 
it's not here. You must have left it in the station. You 
will get it now? (Anxiously) Oh, don't go now— I don't 
care about the hat. Really, I don't— and besides, you 
haven't time (looks at n'atch, then holds his coat), why, 
you have scarcely a minute. \\'ell, then, if you will, but 
do hurry back, please, please hurry. (Goes out into aisle) 
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll watch you from the window. 
(Kneels on seat, looking out of zvindozv zvith arms on 
zvindozu sill calling to Harry) Now, do hurry {leaning 
head on hand), how stupid of me to have thought of that 
hat box. (Rises) It has taken him five days to speak, and 
now— oh, dear, oh, dear ! (Goes back to zvindozv and looks 



66 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

out. Suddenly exclaims) Oh, dear, this thing isn't mov- 
ing, is it? (Starts to go out in aisle and screams) Con- 
ductor! Conductor! (Aside) Oh, it's starting (screams 
again) Conductor ! Stop this train! Stop this train, I 
say! Stop this train, or I'll jump out. (Jumps on seat, 
indignantly to conductor) 111? Fainting? Do I look like 
a woman in a fainting condition ? You can't stop it ? 
Well, no (confusedly), I — oh, I don't know why, but — 
but — Oh, you don't understand. I've lost (z'cry quietly), 
I guess I've lost my hat box. (Jumps dozen.) Gone! 
(Seating herself very quietly, folds arms — sits still — 
pause — resignedly) WeW, it's just my luck. 

CURTAIN. 



IN THE DENTIST'S CHAIR. 

A MONOLOGUE. 

Good morning, Flo ! How on earth did you ever hap- 
pen here? You don't say so? Well, I'm in a terrific 
hurry and a nasty old wisdom tooth has been bothering 
me so for the past two weeks that I simply had to come. 
What's that ? Yes, it's aching me fearfully ; I wonder 
how long I'll have to wait. Yes, it's ten o'clock now and 
I have an appointment at eleven with my tailor. Beastly 
old thing says I can't have my gown by Friday if I don't 
keep the appointment; and I wouldn't miss it for any- 
thing, Flo, because I want to look well at IMarion Felton's 
coming out party, and besides — Oh, Flo, can you keep a 
secret? — All right — I'll tell you — I have fallen in love — 
yes, actually, and the worst of it is that I have never seen 
the object of my affection. No — I have only seen his 
picture. You see — it all just happened this way. I spent 
Saturday and Sunday with ^Marion, and on her dressing 
table was a picture of a perfect Adonis — Oh, Flo ! the 
handsomest specimen of manhood you could ever behold 
in your wildest imaginations. 

67 



53 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

O, Flo! his shoulders were divine! I just told Marion 
that if she loved me she would introduce me. 

Who was it? — well, that's the worst of it, Flo, Marion 
doesn't know who it is; she found it in her brother's col- 
lection of photographs, and we will have to wait until he 
comes home from college to find out — Isn't that awful ? — 
just had to turn the picture to the wall to keep him out of 
my mind — Oh ! how my tooth docs ache ; at what time is 
your appointment ? At ten ? Oh, I shall have to wait so 
long. 

You are not in a hurry ? O, Flo ! I don't like to be 
selfish, but if you can come back again — really, dear, it 
is too good of you. What's the dentist like? I have 
never seen him — handsome, you say — oh, fudge ! I just 
detest dentists. They always nearly pull your head ofif. 
Here he comes. 

(Pauses as Doctor enters — Mabel giz'es a start and al- 
piost faints). Oh, Flo! Why didn't you tell me? Tell 
you what? Well, of course, you couldn't. Sh ! This is 
he! W^hy, stupid, who in the world, but he of the pic- 
ture. 

Flo, does my dress quite become me? Do I look well 
this morning? Look about closely — Oh, I can feel my 
heart thump at a speed of about forty miles an hour. Oh, 
are you going? I wish you wouldn't. I — Good-bye. 



IN THE DENTIST'S CHAIR 5^ 

Good morning, Doctor. Finish your work, I can wait. 
(Aside) Oh, how I disHke the idea of his fixing my 
teeth. (To dentist) Yes, I am ready. 

(Sits in the Dentist's chair.) 

Now are you sure you won't hurt me? No, Vm not 
afraid, in fact, I have been told that under very trying 
circumstances I have been quite brave. (Aside) Oh! 
there he is going to use that awful wheel thing. I sim- 
ply hate to have him look at that back tooth — I look so 
awful when I have my mouth open — oh, yes, I am ready. 

(Leans back in the chair and starts to open her month, 
then suddenly sits upright.) 

Oh, Doctor! — Doctor — Holmes, you say? Thank 
you. I forgot to tell you about my tooth ; you see it has 
been aching — you don't need to hear about — oh! (Leans 
back again.) All right ; I'm not afraid — (screams.) Oh, 
dear, that wheel makes such a fearful noise. Couldn't 
you stop it? You have to use it But you haven't seen 
my tooth yet ! Oh, please put it out of sight until you 
are sure you will have to use it. Well, can't you put a 
screen or something around it ? Thank you ; I don't like 
to trouble you so much, and I'm not afraid — but, that 
thing does so grate on my nerves. 

(Leans back again, then suddenly starts forzvard — zvhen 
he is about to use glass.) 



yo PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Oh, you won't let that glass touch my tooth, will you? 
Yes — because you know it might strike it, and I am so 
sure the pain would be unbearable — Wnat's that 
(Smiles.) No it doesn't ache now. (Aside) I guess I 
frightened all the ache out of it. 

(Leans back in chair and sits upright.) 

You say you are sure you have seen me somewhere? 
No — impossible ! Do try and remember where. In a pic- 
ture ? — Where ? — No ! — You don't mean to say that you 
think it possible for any one to remember a face having 
only seen their picture ? — No ! — You say you are sure ? — 
But, where? — In Bob Felton's room at college? — Well, 
who ever would have thought it! — Yes? — The Feltons 
are old friends of ours. Are you going to Marion's af- 
fair tomorrow? — You are? — (art fully) — so am I. Yes, 
I 

(Jumps up suddenly as she sees Flo enter.) (Regret- 
fully) Oh, Flo! Back so soon? — after eleven. (Excite- 
ment.) Oh, dear! Of all that is astounding! I'll be 

late for my appointment with that beastly creature 

(sweetly) — What's that. Doctor — at ten on Saturday? All 
right (coquettishly) Good morning. Doctor, and thank 
you, so much. (Taking Flo aside) Flo, he is perfectly 
divine ! Yes. The only dentist I have ever had who was 
gentle. (Emphatically) No, my dear, he never hurt a 
bit. Good morning. 

CURTAIN. 



"HER FIRST VISIT TO THE COUNTRY." 

A MONOLOGUE. 

(Miss Helen Taylor — a greatly admired Society Belle 
in a large city — makes her first znsit to her cousins zvho 

live in on an old-fashioned country farm. Miss 

Taylor has just arrived and is met by her cousins at the 
station.) 

Why Cousin Harry and Cousin Emily, how deHghted I 
am to see you both ! Do tell me what you have been do- 
ing since I last saw you? Tell you of myself? Well, I 
can do that in a few words. The usual thing — receptions, 
dinner parties, teas, theaters and bridge until I am actually 
bored to death with city life and resolved to tear myself 
away for at least twenty-four hours and spend that time 
in the country — oh, is this our carriage? — how perfectly 
darling ! 

{Jumps into carriage.) 

Thank you, Harry! Well, as I was saying, I was so 
anxious to get here I could hardly wait — and I submitted 
to all sorts of joking from father and Uncle Will — Why? 

71 



72 



PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 



Because this was to be my first visit in the country — yes, 
just think of it — but I just told them that I would frus- 
trate their plans to have a good laugh at my expense, as 
I felt perfectly equal to the occasion. Just fancy, Em — a 
city girl's not being able to conduct herself properly in 
the country. Why, of course it's absurd ! — Now, Cousin 
Harry, tell me what you have been doing. Oh, is that so? 
— No ! — Well, I'm very glad to know that you have been 
cultivating your mind — oh, are we home so soon ? Why, 
what a charming little cottage — it's not a cottage, Emily ? 
— It's considered a very large house — {apologizing) — 
why, of course, it is — now that I look at it I can see it is 
quite large. 

{Jumps dozvn zvith Harry's assistance.) 

Thank you, Cousin Harry. Aren't you coming in the 
house with us? You aren't — you're going to the cream- 
ery? — Oh, do let me go with you — why, of course, I'll like 
it, Emily. What do you want, Harry? — cans — what 
cans? I see — which way do we go? — oh, we ride? — in 
this carriage? — Not in that great wagon coming from the 
stable? — why, that looks like a lumber wagon! — It's the 
style out here? — oh, I see — why, of course, I'll go — you 
needn't think a little thing like that would keep me home 
— why, I'll enjoy it. 

{Getting into zvagon.) 



*'HEE FIRST VISIT TO THE COUNTRY 



7_3 



Coming, Emily? You're not? Well, good-bye for a 
while. You don't know how the country air raises my 
spirits, Harry — Yes, indeed, I feel quite a new person 
already. — Yes, I think I will pull my veil down ; it is 
rather dusty — no, we haven't had rain in town either, for 
some time. (Pulls dozvn veil; zvagon goes over a hump 
and almost unseats her.) 

Oh! I almost lost my balance — no, I'm all right now; 
but this thing is so very jiggley, it makes my teeth chat- 
ter. 

(Again the wagon goes over a hump and she loses her 
balance.) 

No, I'm all right (very szveetly) ; Harry, why don't 
you coax your uncle to put rubber tires on this wagon — 
you'd find it so much nicer and such a comfort. — (Pause.) 
— Isn't it glorious? I just love the country. 

(Again she lurches forivard.) 

Oh, dear ! — don't mind me, Cousin Harry, I'm perfectly 
at ease — but I don't see how the milk can need so much 
churning after it has gone through this process — I almost 
feel like a butter-ball myself — oh, no — I like it! (Pause.) 
Cousin Harry, what are those brownish colored stalks I 
see on every side? Seems to be acres of them. Crops 
that are dying for want of rain ? — Poor things, isn't that 
too bad? (Pause a^ she looks thoughtfully around.) But 



74 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

do you know I think it's quite a shame for the farmers 
to wait for rain and risk losing all their crops— now, why 

on earth don't they turn on the hose? — They couldn't? 

Well, why not?— I should think that it would be much 
cheaper to hire a few men to sprinkle it than to lose it all. 
Now, why on earth are you laughing?— There isn't a hose 
in the country ?— Now, Harry, I think that's unkind of 
you!— Just because I'm from the city you needn't think 
I don't know something about the country. 

(Another biunp.) 

My, I'm glad we are here— although it took us only 
a short time. What a funny little place— isn't it cunning ? 
—No, I won't get down, I'll wait for you here. Are 
those the cans? Aren't they immense. (Pause.) Are 
you ready?— all right— which way do we go now?— oh, 
the same way we came. 

(Pauses for a second, then looking around on all sides) 
Oh, Harry, how those cans do rattle; doesn't it annoy 
you? (Looking around at cans) Oh, and there are so 
many of them. (Suddenly screams and covers her face 
with her hands.) Oh, Harry! Look! I mean, don't look! 
There's an enormous animal— he must have broken out 
from his cage— oh, why didn't you tell m.e there was a 
menagerie near by. (Screams) Oh, horrible!— He will 
be upon us in a minute — Oh! Oh! 

(Looks around screaming.) 



''HEK FIEST VISIT TO THE COUNTEY" 75 

Oh, he is slowly following us and he looked up, and I 
know he sees us.— {Screams) Where ?— Why, coming 
up the road, of course ; don't you see that huge monster ? 
—Oh! {screams) — a what— you say? — A pig? — Now, 
Harry Somers, I simply won't be made fun of — don't you 
suppose I would know a pig if I saw one? — That's a 
black one?— Well, of all incredulous creatures. Well, I 
know it's not a pig and I'm not quite as simple as all that. 
Look at it? {Looks back timidly.) Well, yes, Harry, it 
does look something like a pig — but I was sure that it was 
some hideous beast like a — like a rhinoceros. Oh, dear, 
it frightened me so. My, it didn't take us long to come 
back, did it? — there's the house. 

{Getting out of the zi'agon.) 

You'll be in shortly?— Oh, I'll tell Emily. (Smiling 
shyly.) Oh, Cousin Harry — {hesitates) — you — you 
won't tell Emily about my not recognizing the pig, will 
you — no — because you know, Cousin Harry, it really 
didn't look like a pig — now, did it ? Very well. ( Waves 
her hand at him.) Hurry up! — (pause) — and I have 
actually met with people who have raved about the coun- 
try! 

CURTAIN. 



THE LAST NOTE. 

A PLAY IN ONE ACT. 

Written by Geraldine A. Faro. 

Scene: A sitting room; two doors; one leading to bedroom 
and one out to street. Window U. L. Couch, chairs, table, et 
cetera. 

PERSONS IN THE PLAY. 

Aunt Tabitha {ati old English servant), 

Hortcnsc 

Cecil I Chorus girls. 

Elfie 

Jevone (a singer.) 

Discovered: Aunt Tabitha dusting, crosses to bedroom 
door, looks in. 

Aunt Tabitha: My poor lady (wipes her eyes), my 
poor lady, how pale and thin she is. Who would ever know 
her now and she been ill so short a time (dusts again). 
Poor little lamb, how she has suffered. Not long ago she 
was the most beautiful creature in this country, courted 

76 



THE LAST NOTE 



71 



bv all, a star of j^rcat prominence, and now — now think 
of her and all her sufFerinc^ caused by one she cared for 
most (dusting the table vehemently) ; these men, blast 
their craven hearts, they're all alike ; I know, I've had ex- 
perience (polishes the table; loud knoek at door; Aunt 
Tabitha stops). Sh ! \\\nil(l the rascals break (\o\\\\ the 
house! (Outside the girls are singing; Aunt Tabitha 
opens the door). Not a sound, not a sound. 

(Enter Hortense, Ceeil and Ellie, noisily talking.) 

Hortense: Well, you're so cross, Aunt Tabitha. We're 
not ^oing to run off with anything; we're just on our 
way to the theater and we've called to see Jevonc. 

Aunt Tabitha : Don't talk so loud, girls ; my mistress 
is asleep. 

Hortense (ichispering loudly) : Well, don't bo so 
crosss. Tabby. How is she? 

Aunt Tabitha (shaking her head) : Not much better, 
not nuich better. Always has the idea that she is going 
to play every time she wakes. 

Cecil : Does she ever speak of her last night at the 
opera? 

Aunt Tabitha : Child, sh ! you must'n't, I never speak 
of it here. 

Elfie: But does she? 



78 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES | 

Aunt Tabitha: Yes, always; she never will forget.' 

Hortense: Well, I think her very foolish; I'm sure 
she's had her day. (Coufideufially to girls) Girls, do 
you know I don't believe what Jevone says ; I think it is 
some late affair that worries her. I let the men worry 
over me. Girls, there's one true method in love affairs, 
and if you follow my advice you'll come out right: oust 
the men before they oust you (laughs). 

Elfie: I quite agree with you, Hortense. Love doesn't 
last very long and it's better to have many and keep on 
than one and lose all. 

Cecil: I don't agree with any of you and you'll always 
remain just where you arc. 

Hortense: O, Miss Prude has appeared on the scene 
and we will creep to the side, tint she may have stage 
center. 

Cecil : It's unkind of you to make fun of me ; how- 
ever, I don't care about that, but you shall not make fun 
of Jevone. 

Elfie: If you don't look out you will follow in her 
footsteps, Cecil. 

Hortense: These sentimental fairies are too much 
for me. I expect to dance my way to eternity, my heart's 
always fluttering to a ^lazourka {dances a few steps). 



THE LAST NOTE 79 

Elfie: Oh, Jevone will get over this; just to think of 
it, girls, it's her first love affair. 

Hortense : Yes, how hard she takes it. Goodness, if 
I took all my affairs to heart I wouldn't have any heart 
left. 

Cecil: Girls, don't talk so loud, you will awaken Je- 
vone and she is very ill. 

Hortense (sits on the fable) : She'd better hurry up 
and get well or her place will be gone forever ; that new 
woman is making a hit and it doesn't take a public long 
to forget. 

Cecil: Well, she can never equal Jevone, and I don't 
think she'll ever be forgotten. 

Elfie : I fancy no one can equal Jevone in your eyes, 
Cecil. 

Cecil: No one in this room, Elfie. 

Hortense : Now will you be still, Elfie dear (laughs) ?, 
Guess we'd better go now. Wonder where old lady 
Tab is.- 

Elfie: Are you coming, your highness, ]\Iiss Prude 
(curtseys low) ? 

Cecil : Yes, but in better company. 

Hortense : That is to say ? 

Cecil : That I go alone. 



8o PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Hortense : Well, don't take too much pleasure, or 
loiter on the way, Cherie, 'cause you might be too late ; 
ta! ta ! {Hortense and ElUe go out dancing and singing 
some popular songs, Jevone calls from bedroom, Tabitha! 
Aunt Tabitha!). 

Cecil (runs to her door) : I'm here, Jevone; do you 
want anything? 

Jevone (comes to door, leans on Cecil's arm) : Oh, 
it's you, Cecil ; is it late ? Will I have to get ready now ? 

Cecil: No, dear, it's quite early, and you know we 
don't go on in the beginning of the act. 

Jevone : How did my understudy sing last night ? 

Cecil : \'ery well, but it wasn't you, dear ; come sit in 
this big chair {fixes pillow at Jevone's back as she sits). 

Jevone: Oh, I'm so tired, Cecil; so tired {leans back 
wearily). 

Cecil {kneels beside Jevone) : Why not let your un- 
derstudy sing tonight again? You know you're not very 
strong, Jevone, and the part's a heavy one. 

Jevone: No, no, Cecil; I must sing tonight; I can't 
miss more than one night. 

Cecil {aside) : Poor thing, she doesn't know how 
many nights she's missed. {To Jevone) I have good 
news, Jevone ; my brother Jack has invited you and me 



THE LAST NOTE gl 

to come out West to visit his new ranch at the end of the 
season, and, oh, what fun we can have together! 

Jevone: Dear little friend, and you deserve the name 
of friend, how thoughtful you have been and how I shall 
enjoy a summer with you; it would seem like old times, 
Cecil, wouldn't it? 

Cecil: Yes, we'll have a reunion, Jevone, we'll have a 
glorious time, but you must hurry and get strong. Now 
I must go or I shall be late. 

Jevone (quickly): Delate? 

Cecil (hesitates) : Yes — yes, that is, I want to get a 
letter off by tonight's mail ; you see, Brother Jack wanted 
to know if you would come and now I can say yes and 
send it ; I'll be back shortly ; lie down and rest for a while, 
Jevone. All right, dear. 

Jevone : All right, dear. (Jevone leans back; Cecil 
goes out.) Dear little friend, always the same (looks 
around the room). I wonder where Aunt Tabitha is? 
It must be late, (calls) Tabitha! Aunt Tabitha! (leans 
back). O, dear, I'm so weary and tired; I don't feel like 
singing tonight ; maybe if I look out into the night it will 
rouse me a little (rises; zvalks unsteadily to zvindow). 
How solemn everything is. It is snowing; our first snow 
fall ; every little flake comes from the sky as 'every soul 
comes into the world and as in life some are trodden by 



82 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

heavy feet to make a path for followers to tread upon : 
others carried by the wind, soaring high and whirling this 
way and that in the very bevy of excitement for so short 
a time, it all melts into vapor, leaving only a vagne re- 
membrance to one who might observe, and the great 
whirlwind is forgotten in the excitement of a new one. 
(Wearily turning azvay from unndoiv.) Oh, I'm so tired! 
it seems so long since last night, and I've had so many 
fearful dreams {comes dozvn center, sits on couch). I 
dreamed I was to sing a farewell ; no one was to know 
but he and I that that last song was a farewell, and then 
we'd go away, I in the height of glory, leave those I 
loved, those who stamped and cheered me into life, I 
was going to leave them and just before the last song I 
told them so. Oh, how I loved them all ! my audience, 
mine ! They belong to me and I to them ; theirs that last 
night more than any, and then I sang, sang with all the 
heart I had, when there came something in that dream — 
(puts her hand to her head as if trying to remember) 
something like a dark, cloudy night, and then every- 
thing was black and I remember nothing, (Enter Ta- 
hitha.) 

Tabitha : Oh, my mistress ! my lady ! 

Jevone (smiles) : Don't worry about me; you'd think 
I was some delicate child. Tell me, Aunt Tabitha, have I 
received some word today, some note of recognition from 
(pause) from any one? 



i 



THE LAST NOTE 



83 



Aunt Tabitha (aside) : What will I say? (To Jc- 
vone) Yes, the gentleman called and you were resting, 
and I told him to call again. {Aside) God forgive that 
lie. 

Jevone : Resting, always resting ; it seems as though 
there was another day when you told me this same 
thing, Aunt Tabitha ; are you telHng me the truth ? 

Aunt Tabitha: Now, don't excite yourself; there was 
no other day, my lady. 

Jevone : Another dream ; when will I awake ? 

Aunt Tabitha (aside) : God forbid. 

Jevone : Tabitha, if the gentleman calls again — today, 
I must see him ; lend me my hand glass. 

Aunt Tabitha (anxiously) : Oh, don't look, now; 
don't look in the mirror, and, besides (hesitates). 

Jevone : Besides what, Tabitha ? 

Tabitha: Oh, nothing; only I think I hear the girls 
coming. (Outside the girls sing popular songs. 'Jevone 
leans back, closing her eyes.) Yes, they're coming; how- 
happy they are. (Enter girls, talking and laughing.) 

Cecil : \Ye all missed you tonight ; our new prima 
donna is not 

Jevone (lea)is foncard; reproachfully to Cecil) : Oh, 
you didn't tell me. 



84 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Cecil (goes over to Jcvone) : No, dear, you are not 
quite strong enough, so we've come to spend a little while 
with you. 

Elfie : Jevone, I think I missed you more tonight than 
any other. 

Hortense: Yes, we've come to wish you a merry 
Christmas. 

Jcvone {amazed) : Christmas night? 

Aunt Tabitha (to girls) : Sh ! in the play, my lady, only 
in the play. 

Cecil (aside to Hortense) Hortense, you forget she 
doesn't know she's been ill so long. 

Elfie : Yes, Jevone ; we'll have to play late on Christ- 
mas night ; we thought we'd come and have a feast to- 
night so as not to 

Hortense: Hush, Elfie, you'll only make matters 
worse. 

Cecil : I'll tell you what we'll do, Jevone ; we'll sing 
and dance our new parts, but you must promise not to 
get excited or we'll have to go. 

Jevone : No, I won't excite myself ; you're all so cheer- 
ful you make mc feel better. 

Hortense: I'll play and you girls sing, while Aunt 
Tabby sets the table. See, Jevone, we'll make vou feel 



THE LAST NOTE 85 

better. We have a surprise for you; we've brought you 
a feast. 

Jevone : Oh, you are all so good to me ! 

Cecil (seated at piano) : Are you all ready? one, two, 
three— begin. (Begins to play. When the church bells 
ring and toll the hour Jevone listens, rises, goes to zcin- 
dow. Cecil stops playing. A shout of Merry Christmas 
is heard as Jevone opens the zvindow. Loud laughter. 
Strains of a violin are heard and a street singer sings. 
Jevone listens and suddenly cries) : 

Jevone : Oh, you have all lied to me ; this is Christmas 
(slozvlv remembering). I did not dream I was awake, 
and I did sing ; it was my farewell song. I remember it 
all now. It was not one night ago, but many. It was to 
have been my last night with you and with them, we were 
to go away— no one was to know— I was to say good-bye, 
and when I sang the last note I was to look at him where 
he sat in the box (eo}nes dozen center excitedly). See, 
he is there. You all know what I was to him. I said 
farewell— I sang the last of the song and looked— it was 
then I lost that sound. I was no longer the songbird, 
but a miserable heap, for when I looked the box was 
empty and I know— my heart told me. The music went 
on— I stood where I was— I tried— O, God, how I tried 
—for the last note. All the song had gone from my life. 
One more effort, but the note was gone forever. (Out- 



85 PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

side the street singer is heard again.) See, there is my 
audience. Dear friends — for you have been my friends — 
I must bid you farewell tonight. I'm never to see you 
again. I'm to sing gladness into the heart of some one 
who will everlastingly echo my song. Farewell, fare- 
well ; I love you all. (Sinks into chair; the girls sob; 
Cecil kneels beside, burying her head in her lap.) Yes, 
ril sing; I'll sing. Just give me time, I'll reach that last 
note, but I'm so tired now. (Her head drops back and she 
closes her eyes. Strains of a violin are heard.) 

CURTAIN. 



A BARGAIN EPISODE. 

A MONOLOGUE. 

Geraldine H. Faro. 

{Enter Mrs. Winters approaching the nearest usher in 
a large department store.) 

Floorwalker ? Yes ? I want to ask you a question. Will 
you please tell me where I can find the lace that you ad- 
vertised in last evening's paper, worth one dollar a yard, 
selling- today at thirty-eight and one-half cents? Oh, 
right at this counter. Well, I don't see any — where the 
crowd is standing? Oh! Well, I've come quite a dis- 
tance to get it. I want it for a little summer gown I am 
having made, and I am particularly anxious to get some- 
thing right away, as madam, my dressmaker, is waiting 
for me to be fitted. You think the lace will be quite hand- 
some enough for a French mull? The young lady will 
show it to me, you say? Well, I'd much rather have 
your opinion. I think a man's judgment far superior to 
a woman's. Where did you say it was? What is that 
line for? You don't mean to say that I will have to step 
in line and wait my turn? (amazed). Wait until all those 

87 



88 PLAYS AND :\IOXOLOGUES 

people's wants are supplied? Well, I never have been 
treated with such indignity before. But I can't wait; I 
have to keep my appointment with madam. I made it 
for ten o'clock and it is now nine-thirty, I'm sure. I'll 
have to wait with the rest ? Well, I should think your po- 
sition as usher would give you authority to have the 
clerks sho>v some courtesy to a customer, especially when 
she is in such a great hurry as I am. Besides, standing 
in line is so plebeian ; it would not be tolerated in a better 
store. This is what I get for trying to patronize an in- 
ferior house. There must be fully ten people ahead of 
me. (Steps in line; speaks to woman ahead of her.) Ex- 
cuse me, madam, but are you in a great hurry to be waited 
on? Because if you are not I thought you might not 
mind if I were to step in front of you. Oh, you are? 
Well, you need not be so indignant. I merely offered 
you a suggestion. I didn't want you to give up your 
place. {Aside) Some people are so willing to be offended. 

(Pauses for a fezv minutes, looks at her zvatch impa- 
tiently, sighs, stands on one hip, then the other, fixes her 
hat on straight, becomes nervous as she sees a lady 
friend.) 

Oh, dear, there is ]\Irs. Sherman ! I hope she doesn't 
see me, but I'm sure she will. That woman never misses 
anything, and she tells everything she knows to everyone 
she meets; and I wanted to wear my gown to her next 

tore. 



A BARGAIN EPISODE 89 

"at home." If she ever sees me buying this lace she'll 
publish it to all my friends. {Anxiously) Here she is, 
coming this way. I must manufacture some tale or other. 
{Sweetly greeting Mrs. Sherman) How do you do, my 
dear? I am so glad to see you. Yes, I am ever so well, 
but I must admit my nerves are slightly shaken by 
mingling in this awful crowd. Yes — yes ? — No, I wasn't 
at home when you called last week, and, oh, I was so dis- 
appointed when I learned you had been there during my 
absence. (Nervously.) No — oh, dear, no; I'm not buy- 
ing anything for myself — but — well — that is — I — well, 
you know, I belong to a sewing circle and we have agreed 
to do a deal of charity sewing and I was appointed one 
of a committee of three to purchase numerous materials. 
Yes — yes — I am waiting for the other ladies. Yes, I'm 
standing in line ; the usher told me there was a bargain at 
the end of it, so (laughs lightly) of course I feel it my 
duty to wait. I think standing in line a great abomina- 
tion, don't you? You'll wait, too? (Aside) Now I'm in 
for it. (To Mrs. Sherman) How dear of you. 

(Indignantly to zvoman zvho has stepped in front of 
her) I beg your pardon, madam, but you have taken my 
place. Why, of course, I was standing in line. I merely 
stopped a moment to recognize my friend. I cannot help 
it, madam, but I am also in a great hurry. (To Mrs. 
Sherman) Just step in front of me, dear, and then we 
can chat together. Did I attend Mrs. Well's reception? 



QO PLAYS AND MONOLOGUES 

Indeed I did, and I never had such a stupid time. You 
know she has worn that same gown for the past two sea- 
sons and all she does is change the sleeves to suit the 
fashion. Yes — yes — Is that so? Well, I never would 
have thought it. You don't mean to say that she is going 
to marry him? Oh, dear me, I thought her engagement 
was announced to Ferdinand Vincent. You don't mean 
it? Well, it just serves her right. I always did think she 
was too sure of him. Yes — and did you see the style of 
Mrs. Thurber's gown ? Yes, I think her taste in choosing 
evening gowns is perfectly absurd, and the way she 
dresses her hair is really — well — malicious. (Laughs.) 
Oh, do you like my hat ? Yes, I think it quite pretty. My 
husband says it's quite the most becoming style I've 
worn, and I — (exclaims suddenly) — why, just look at all 
those people in front of us! There were only five when 
you stepped in line and now I know there are fifteen. 
(Beckons to usher) Floorwalker, will you kindly tell 
those people to push aside. We have been here ever so 
long and they are all so rude. You can't? Well, I'd like 
to know why not. I think you the most unaccommodat- 
ing person I have ever met and I shall promise never to 
enter your store again. I shall patronize the stores where 
I am at least courteously received. Well, of course, we 
waited right here ; I didn't suppose we had to follow the 
crowd ; it's enough to be made stand in line without fol- 
lowing them step by step. (To Mrs. Sherman.) Just 



A BAEGAIN EPISODE 91 

watch that man walk off as cahii as if I had never 
spoken a word to him. He doesn't know enough to real- 
ize that I was caUing him down. Are you going to wait? 
You are? Well, I don't think I will. (Confusedly.) 
Yes, of course, I know the other ladies will be disap- 
pointed, but I am late now for an engagement. Good 
morning, dear; come and see me soon. (Walks azvay.) 
That wom.an must read every paper published. I have 
never gone for a bargain that I didn't meet her there. 
Well, I hope she enjoys the lace. 



otQ 24 \mm 



